Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Animals Bring Lawsuit In Federal Court

Professor John Dolittle Phd.(pathological head destroyer) stated today that he had been in close touch with the animal population, and that they wanted to bring a class action suit agianst the federal government, as well as human kind at large.

So, the rat population got together first, and with Ben Vector(retired actor from 1972) as their rat rep. and Professor Dolittle as their translator, they brought suit today, in Federal court.


Ben, speaking through Professor Dolittle, insisted that since they certainly outnumber humans, that they deserve their fair share of house and senate seats. In a statement from Professor Dolittle he explained, They don't believe that they will be adequately represented, even with the aid of animal activist groups, until they have their fair share of rats in office. He further explained, that their was little they could do on their own about their plight because, they haven't any thumbs. Because of this, Ben communicated, he felt that they deserved to be declared handicapped, and eligible for federal benefits. In any case they fully expect to be included in any healthcare plan that is approved for humans.

Earlier in the week the rats and cats got together in a truly bipatisan move, and hammered out what both agreed was a fair deal. If you already have a home, and you want to keep that can stay in your home! However, if your owner moves to a home that already has rats, then the cats in question would be required to move on. Naturally, the situation would work in reverse, prompting every pussy in town to transform into a true realestate hound.

Of course, at the bottom of all of this is the proposed option that the government provide housing in a mixed predator neighborhood. Ben shuddered as he discussed this eat-or-be-eaten government plan.

In a later interview, Ben expressed anger at being called vermin. He said that such derogatory names lead to stereotyping, and we all know how dangerous stereotyping can be. Besides, Ben explained, while running the exercise wheel, we were also victims in that whole Bubonic Plague thing.

In a seperate project Professor Dolittle has been working in Spain to gain human rights for apes. While we will keep an eye on this one, we don't really expect that it will be successful. It is simply not expected to be widely accepted due to the inherent racism.
True activists insist that this cannot pass unless it includes human rights for all apes world wide.


In a seperate statement Professor Dolittle said that that if we just broaden our educational goals, and raise taxes, we can turn all apes into productive members of their communities. He did though, express some frustration, trying to get them to understand the importance of mouthwash......maybe banana flavored.


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How To Make A Buck
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Sweetromance is also published


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